manic pixie dream world
What if you never really saw me?
Aloof.-Shadow play.
I can’t help it if you piss me off enough to make me go mute. I can’t help it if trip over my words so much that nothing I say has any value whatsoever. You tell me I lack empathy, that I’m a narcissist, I don’t think I am. But when you tell me that I don’t feel, I know there’s some truth to it. Even when I do feel I just chalk it up to my brain synthesizing what it thinks emotions should feel like. I feel like we get to this point all the time. Do we get to this point all the time? I can’t remember really, would you tell me if we have? Your favorite Le Tigre song plays in the background and my ears focus in on the lyrics while watching you grab your keys and slam the door in my face.
Oh baby, why won’t you talk to meOh baby, you just want me emptyOh baby, you won’t say anythingOh baby, why won’t you answer me
It seems too fitting for coincidence. If you do want me empty though you don’t have to try any harder. You win. I feel nothing. You can yell at me, curse me out, break the gifts I give to you, fuckin cheat on me, it doesn’t matter. I’ll sit here in bed waiting on you to return. When you arrive nothing will change, I’ll remain alone and aloof. Do you remember that December? Years ago when winters had better weather. We took shrooms on the beach by the pier. It was just us, all our friends had disappeared. You told me you’d look up my birth chart to see if we were compatible. Even if we weren’t, I don’t think it would’ve mattered. I was an Aries Sun, Gemini Moon, with a Capricorn Rising. I remember you were a Cancer Sun, but that’s all I remember as far as that goes unfortunately. What I do remember is how moved you felt when we came across the corpse of a turtle, surrounded by eggs that it presumably laid. It seemed to have been eaten out of its shell although by what I have no clue. You were mortified and bent down to pray to a God I didn’t know you believed in. You prayed for strength for the children, for grace on the dead turtle’s soul, and that things like this would stop happening. You prayed with such vigor that I pondered for a moment if you knew the poor creature. I asked you about it when you had finished and you told me that it would have been bad luck not to offer up some kind of prayer. The turtle’s spirit might think we were assholes and haunt us. It would plague our dreams with visions of our skeletons being ripped from our frames and then attached to our flesh on the outside. I was too high to think about that so I turned to the ocean and thought about how vast it was. Then like every person on shrooms I thought about how small we are, how we’re just specks on a mound of dirt that loops around a ball of gas that burns. All alone, through the dark. Willem Dafoe had a line in this movie called Antichrist by Lars Von Trier that was bouncing back and forth in my head all night long. “There’s no such constellation.” It echoed through my head as I stared off into the water. After the beach we went to your friend’s party. I’m not good in social situations, especially on shrooms, so I hung out by the laundry room. I figured I could at least be alone there. You proved me wrong though when you came strolling in with a drink in your hand for me. You had done your makeup while I was hiding out and I remember thinking that no one wore glitter better than you. I really didn’t expect you to come looking for me, it was kind of unlike you. You continued to be unlike yourself by staying in there and talking with me for hours. Maybe it was the shrooms getting to you. As you stood there telling me about the intricacies of your friend group and how I was missing out on a ton of drama by locking myself away I thought back to the quote from Willem Dafoe. There’s no such thing as a constellation really, its all just perspective. I wonder if I could find the right constellation to frame our conversation just right, so that for a minute I could believe you were right for me. When we got home and sobered up, things changed. Gone were the warm tones, the loving gazes, from any perspective you were no longer right for me. It was that one special night in August when we transition from summer to fall and you seemed to be following suit. We undressed, kissed, had sex, but it was just a formality. Afterwards you turned over and went on your phone, trying to fill some void I used to fill. Its crazy how many relationships turn out like this, you’d think its a fuckin epidemic. I try to bring some joy back into our frozen bed by talking about the movie quote I was thinking about earlier and you called me pretentious. But I’m not pretending. The world might be ending and these things are soothing to me even if its just boring. Sometime’s I think you know me too well. You know me well enough to change what you say and how you act so as to hurt me in the worst possible ways. At times like these I normally would go out to a bar but that would require driving your car and I don’t feel like asking for permission. I had a bike but I left it locked up at my old job and I think it got stolen. We have plans to move states away soon and I pray to God that will fix things between us. It’s all I’m counting on because if we stay here we’re going to drown. Sometimes I get insecure about the fact that you seem to date different people pretty frequently. Not in a slut shaming way, more I just worry that I’m just your next fuck. I look at you and see someone who is lost, someone who wants so badly to get away from whatever is eating at your soul. But trying to fill the void with a partner isn’t gonna work. It lead you to me, which is practically nowhere, and now you’re stuck in this relationship with me. The thing is though, you seem to treat me like I’m just some extension of you, an extra pair of hands or legs. I think if you could clip me on like a shadow you would do so in a heartbeat. But I’m so much more than that. Or I could be if you only let me. I can hear you behind the bathroom door. You’re purging right now. I hear you choke and sputter on your own puke and bile and want to walk in and wrap my arms around you but I can’t. You don’t want me there. So I just sit on the ground and feel cold and calloused. Its funny, you don’t want me close but I can’t put more than a door’s worth of distance between us. Maybe I am your shadow.
Icelandia. and Segue to heaven. When you said we should break up I felt like you pushed me off a cliff and into a boiling geyser. I planned everything around you, I lived my life based around you. The floor beneath me might as well have crumbled. It felt like you pushed me into a volcano. All my flesh melted and separated and everything that once was me was no longer. Everything I planned is gone. All the issues that we worked through together were now issues again, because I didn’t have you to help me deal with them. I don’t think you get it, its all gone. Everything I had is gone. Of course I didn’t say any of that. I said I understood where you were coming from and hoped we can remain cordial in the future. I couldn’t help but think of the future, your future. Would you find someone better than me? I knew I was just temporary. You’ll find someone else who inspires your art and who fucks better than me. Someone who knows themself more than I do. You’ll probably find God in them. Everything that I couldn’t give you will be yours. I wonder if you’ll still be unhappy, if you still will long for escape. Do you think you’ll become someone new with every person you sleep with? Do you think carnal offerings might relieve you of whatever is wrong with you? I don’t know. I just know I’m gonna miss you.
Trans. and Anomolies. You know, I have a habit of focusing on the negative, so before I get into the bad I want to take a breather and tell you about the good the breakup did for me. Did you ever suspect I was trans? I didn’t. I mean I always went on about wanting tits and wishing I could just cut my dick off but hey it was still a surprise. How I came to that conclusion, as well as others, is the bad though. The way you left me led me to question my whole existence. I was utterly lost, I felt distraught I had nowhere to go. I loved you, or at least I felt the closest thing I could feel to love for you. But you just moved on like I was nothing. I had to find out about your new boy toy when I accidentally saw your second phone when I was moving my stuff out. It fucking broke me. I couldn’t stand the thought of being with anyone else because I was so hung up on you and you just fucking left me in the goddamn trash like I was nothing. And then you lied about it. I saw the texts and knew what you were getting ready to do and you lied to my face about it. You chopped me up and threw me in the streets for the fuckin dogs to feast on. Are you finding yourself? Are you satisfied? I really fucking hope not. I don’t think there is anything on this garbage dump of a planet that could warm your icy heart. Loving you is like drawing blood from a stone. I thought you could do something for me that no one was ever able to do. I thought you could love me for who I was. I genuinely thought you did for awhile, but you betrayed me and threw away everything we had built. So yeah, I had to do a lot of soul searching after that. I found out that I’m not who I thought I was, so hey, maybe I betrayed myself by thinking I was someone else.
“You’re being clingy.” Straight to voicemail, great. You know, It’s funny, the passing of time. I try not to think of it too linearly, that gets old rather quickly. Time is a comforting illusion that we but into so that we can pretend to have order. But none of this shit really has order. So when you told me that, “maybe things will work out next time,” I couldn’t help but laugh. I’m not laughing right now though. I’m doing really bad. A storm’s coming and I need shelter. You were the only thing that ever seemed to help me and I feel like everything is falling apart and I’m tearing at my seams and I just really fucking need you right now. Could you just call me back please when you get this? It could be our last call I don’t care I just need to hear you right now. If I’m doing too much we still have our safe word, ‘alright.’ I just need you to tell me it’ll be all right. Please tell me it’ll be alright. Just tell me it’ll be alright. Please call me back when you get this.
Alone. and Awake. I think you misunderstand me a lot. I’m unsure of whether or not that’s on you or if I’m just not good at explaining my thoughts well. I’m beginning to suspect that you just don’t really pay attention to me. While we were apart I worked on myself and I healed, I had hoped that you did too. It doesn’t seem like you’ve changed at all. So instead of letting it drag me down I’m just gonna do what I have to do for me and hope you can find something that can satisfy your needs. But whatever. Do you want to go on a drive? I would say we can walk but its September and its fucking freezing outside. You know, actually do you think I could take the car out, alone? I don’t know why we pretend like we have to do things together when this shit is doomed. It was doomed last time and its doomed this time. You enjoy the icy cold numb grayness of your existence and I just want to soak in color. I remember when things were simple, when it was just me and you in bed playing games that don’t exist. And now you’ve invited me back in, but not because you actually want me. I think you want me to see this palace you’ve created for yourself. This icy stone castle designed specifically to keep me at bay. Well fuck you. You can have your palace I’ll just…live on the moon. Yeah, I’ll live on the moon and watch all our favorite shows in 3D while everything here on Earth goes to shit. I think we’ll both die of the cold. Instead of going off to the moon what if I just went outside, and you came with me. We could huddle together for warmth. That’s a nice thought. I think we’re past that though. I figured myself out and now whatever dream we had has ended. I want to dream again with you but you haven’t woken up from the first one yet. I think you need to be on your own for awhile. I think you want to be alone but you just won’t say it. We’re in this fucking cycle of ripping open wounds the other has and we act like its the most important thing in the world. People are dying and we’re crying over words said. Yelling at each other over miscommunications, jokes that were taken seriously. But it all feels so real and poignant. And then in an instant it doesn’t. And I’m left wondering why I yelled and screamed at you over having sex with someone after we broke. When this started I felt like I could talk to you about anything. Now we have to hop over fences just to tell each other about our days. I think we’re bad for each other. I think you can’t learn what you need to learn with me in the picture. So, this time I’m gonna leave. It doesn’t really matter where I go, I’ll just be happy to actually be a person for once. I want to give you the best chance possible to be who I know you can be. I’m scared as hell, I don’t know what will become of me when I leave. All I know is that you built your palace for a reason, and who am I to tell you how to live. I feel like I’ve been missing all the signs and everyday you’ve just been screaming at me to just fucking go away. I know all you want is to escape, I can help you escape. Just tell me with your own voice that you want to get away from me. Tell me you need to be alone to be awake. I just need to hear you say it. Once you say it you can’t take it back, you have to stay away from me. I need you to be sure.
“Go away.”
Okay.
Icelandia. and Segue to heaven. When you said we should break up I felt like you pushed me off a cliff and into a boiling geyser. I planned everything around you, I lived my life based around you. The floor beneath me might as well have crumbled. It felt like you pushed me into a volcano. All my flesh melted and separated and everything that once was me was no longer. Everything I planned is gone. All the issues that we worked through together were now issues again, because I didn’t have you to help me deal with them. I don’t think you get it, its all gone. Everything I had is gone. Of course I didn’t say any of that. I said I understood where you were coming from and hoped we can remain cordial in the future. I couldn’t help but think of the future, your future. Would you find someone better than me? I knew I was just temporary. You’ll find someone else who inspires your art and who fucks better than me. Someone who knows themself more than I do. You’ll probably find God in them. Everything that I couldn’t give you will be yours. I wonder if you’ll still be unhappy, if you still will long for escape. Do you think you’ll become someone new with every person you sleep with? Do you think carnal offerings might relieve you of whatever is wrong with you? I don’t know. I just know I’m gonna miss you.
Trans. and Anomolies. You know, I have a habit of focusing on the negative, so before I get into the bad I want to take a breather and tell you about the good the breakup did for me. Did you ever suspect I was trans? I didn’t. I mean I always went on about wanting tits and wishing I could just cut my dick off but hey it was still a surprise. How I came to that conclusion, as well as others, is the bad though. The way you left me led me to question my whole existence. I was utterly lost, I felt distraught I had nowhere to go. I loved you, or at least I felt the closest thing I could feel to love for you. But you just moved on like I was nothing. I had to find out about your new boy toy when I accidentally saw your second phone when I was moving my stuff out. It fucking broke me. I couldn’t stand the thought of being with anyone else because I was so hung up on you and you just fucking left me in the goddamn trash like I was nothing. And then you lied about it. I saw the texts and knew what you were getting ready to do and you lied to my face about it. You chopped me up and threw me in the streets for the fuckin dogs to feast on. Are you finding yourself? Are you satisfied? I really fucking hope not. I don’t think there is anything on this garbage dump of a planet that could warm your icy heart. Loving you is like drawing blood from a stone. I thought you could do something for me that no one was ever able to do. I thought you could love me for who I was. I genuinely thought you did for awhile, but you betrayed me and threw away everything we had built. So yeah, I had to do a lot of soul searching after that. I found out that I’m not who I thought I was, so hey, maybe I betrayed myself by thinking I was someone else.
“You’re being clingy.” Straight to voicemail, great. You know, It’s funny, the passing of time. I try not to think of it too linearly, that gets old rather quickly. Time is a comforting illusion that we but into so that we can pretend to have order. But none of this shit really has order. So when you told me that, “maybe things will work out next time,” I couldn’t help but laugh. I’m not laughing right now though. I’m doing really bad. A storm’s coming and I need shelter. You were the only thing that ever seemed to help me and I feel like everything is falling apart and I’m tearing at my seams and I just really fucking need you right now. Could you just call me back please when you get this? It could be our last call I don’t care I just need to hear you right now. If I’m doing too much we still have our safe word, ‘alright.’ I just need you to tell me it’ll be all right. Please tell me it’ll be alright. Just tell me it’ll be alright. Please call me back when you get this.
Alone. and Awake. I think you misunderstand me a lot. I’m unsure of whether or not that’s on you or if I’m just not good at explaining my thoughts well. I’m beginning to suspect that you just don’t really pay attention to me. While we were apart I worked on myself and I healed, I had hoped that you did too. It doesn’t seem like you’ve changed at all. So instead of letting it drag me down I’m just gonna do what I have to do for me and hope you can find something that can satisfy your needs. But whatever. Do you want to go on a drive? I would say we can walk but its September and its fucking freezing outside. You know, actually do you think I could take the car out, alone? I don’t know why we pretend like we have to do things together when this shit is doomed. It was doomed last time and its doomed this time. You enjoy the icy cold numb grayness of your existence and I just want to soak in color. I remember when things were simple, when it was just me and you in bed playing games that don’t exist. And now you’ve invited me back in, but not because you actually want me. I think you want me to see this palace you’ve created for yourself. This icy stone castle designed specifically to keep me at bay. Well fuck you. You can have your palace I’ll just…live on the moon. Yeah, I’ll live on the moon and watch all our favorite shows in 3D while everything here on Earth goes to shit. I think we’ll both die of the cold. Instead of going off to the moon what if I just went outside, and you came with me. We could huddle together for warmth. That’s a nice thought. I think we’re past that though. I figured myself out and now whatever dream we had has ended. I want to dream again with you but you haven’t woken up from the first one yet. I think you need to be on your own for awhile. I think you want to be alone but you just won’t say it. We’re in this fucking cycle of ripping open wounds the other has and we act like its the most important thing in the world. People are dying and we’re crying over words said. Yelling at each other over miscommunications, jokes that were taken seriously. But it all feels so real and poignant. And then in an instant it doesn’t. And I’m left wondering why I yelled and screamed at you over having sex with someone after we broke. When this started I felt like I could talk to you about anything. Now we have to hop over fences just to tell each other about our days. I think we’re bad for each other. I think you can’t learn what you need to learn with me in the picture. So, this time I’m gonna leave. It doesn’t really matter where I go, I’ll just be happy to actually be a person for once. I want to give you the best chance possible to be who I know you can be. I’m scared as hell, I don’t know what will become of me when I leave. All I know is that you built your palace for a reason, and who am I to tell you how to live. I feel like I’ve been missing all the signs and everyday you’ve just been screaming at me to just fucking go away. I know all you want is to escape, I can help you escape. Just tell me with your own voice that you want to get away from me. Tell me you need to be alone to be awake. I just need to hear you say it. Once you say it you can’t take it back, you have to stay away from me. I need you to be sure.
“Go away.”
Okay.