Just as a preface I want to say that this letter is not meant to convey any sort of yearning for you or anything like that. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I don’t feel romantically about you anymore, but I do wish we could be friends. This serves as a way to get these feelings off my chest but also a last attempt at building a bridge. Thanks for everything. Let’s get started.
Hey, I hope this letter finds you well. I’ve been thinking all day about what I wanted to say but now that I’m here typing it all out, I find myself at a loss for words. It would probably be good to make my intentions with this clear so I suppose I’ll lay that out for you. I have a lot of unresolved emotions surrounding you that I have had no place to store for almost two years now. I think its been almost two years…time is strange. You know, every time I see those gourmet lollipops I think of you. I thought of buying you a bunch for your birthday but then I was like nah that’ll make me seem like a creep. Yet here I am writing a letter to you I’m gonna post on a website no one checks out. I think about your cats a lot, I’m really sad I never got to meet them, it felt like I knew them after all the pictures and videos you sent. Oh! You have a partner now! If my memory serves me right you guys have been together for a decent amount of time now. That’s really cool and I wish you all the best in that relationship, you guys seem cute together. Whenever I play Cosmonauts, or any Fiona Apple song really, I think of you. That really strong feminine energy is something that I really look up to. I’m trans now. I guess I’ve always been trans, but I know I’m trans now. I used to be the junky liar Josh, now I’m the sober artist Julia. I aspire to be feminine in the way you showed me was possible. When I think of the best times over the past few years, I think of working security, playing Black Country, New Road’s first album while texting you. Anyway, thats enough rambling thoughts, I’m gonna get into the real shit now. The first emotion I think of when I think of you is guilt. I lied to you on two different occasions and I’ve hated myself for it for this whole time. We met at a very weird time in my life. I was a college sophomore, working two full time jobs, all while being 17. I told everyone I was older because I didn’t want them to be weirded out hanging around me. And also, I was just a dumb kid lying about her age. I think you thought I was 18 or 19 when we met because of our mutual friend who also did not know my real age. The other lie was when I told you I was going to rehab. I remember distinctly the whole chain of events. You had asked me something along the lines of whether we were going to get more serious or not and I desperately wanted to be closer to you, but I had already lied to you. In my mind I needed to lie again to have some excuse. I said I was going to rehab and instead went on a couple week long bender and when I got back you were no longer interested in me romantically, or even as friends it felt like. I wont try to excuse my actions, I just wanted to apologize for them formally. Now that the nasty shit is out of the way, on to the good. When I think of you I think of the opening line from Mitski’s song Strawberry Blond: “I love everybody, because I love you.” I’ve had countless flings, dozens of situationships, and way too many relationships, but you stand out above them all. I remember the very first time I met you, you walked up the stairs of the movie theatre and gave me a warm hug. I could’ve cried honestly. You were the first and one of the only people I have ever encountered romantically who gave more than they took. You were so genuinely loving it was infectious. We really only knew each other for a short amount of time but your kindness and care for me left craters that no one has been able to fill since. I was much more open to love after knowing you, I was just looking for it in the wrong places. I think I was better at letting myself be loved and better at loving someone else because of you. Love is a strong word so let me clarify a few things. I don’t think I love you romantically or platonically. I don’t really know you well enough to love you in either of those ways. But just from who you are, I love you as a person. You’re still one of my favorite people I’ve ever encountered and I feel lucky to know you. I try reaching out on occasion but you seem disinterested so after this I’m gonna give it a rest, but I just wanted to get my feelings out in some way before I stop. I wish you all the best in the world and if you ever want a trans writer friend who reminisces way too much, just hit my line.