Dear jc

Dear JC,	I haven’t decided if I want this to be shared with you yet.  I haven’t decided what attitude I want to express with this.  Do you remember when I would break down crying because I couldn’t figure out if you were an asshole or if I was just deeply mentally ill?  I still haven’t decided which one is true.  Just kidding, I’m deeply mentally ill.  But you might also be an asshole.  I guess I kind of want to figure this shit out as I write it.  Before I dive too deep into it though I want to put a couple prefaces.  First and foremost, I was an awful partner to you and you deserved better and I'm sorry.  It sucks because I don’t believe I am a bad partner.  I was good to my exes before you, but the situations we were put in never let me shine in a favorable light.  When we started things romantically we were long distance, and I don’t think I even need to begin to explain why that situation sucks.  But then for the part where we lived together.  Well, I’ll get into that in a bit.  Preface number two: I owe you $220 I believe, I’m gonna pay it back as I can regardless of whether I send this letter to you or not.  I was mad at you for how you handled things, and those feelings were valid.  I thought it was only fair, you took all my alcohol so I didn’t pay off my debt fully.  That’s not how things work.  I’m going to pay off my debt.  And the last preface: I’m sober now.  I’m off hard drugs, I’m off alcohol, I’m off weed, I am completely sober.  The only drugs I take are the ones prescribed by my psychiatrist.  I attend NA meetings twice a week and I hit four months clean tomorrow.  Thats the longest I’ve had since I was thirteen probably.  I think that’s a very important thing to state.  What I’m learning in my meetings and with my sponsor is that this sickness causes us addicts to lose all sense of self.  I had no basis for who I was while I was using, because my whole life revolved around the next high.  I’m not the fuck up you might think I am.	Alright, let’s get into it.  I think first off I just want to say I hope you’re doing well.  I know how hellish the months we were together were, and how hellish life before me was for you too.  You deserve better.  I want to thank you for welcoming me into your family in the way you did.  The relationship I had with your sisters taught me how to have a relationship with my own siblings.  I don’t talk to your mom (she’s still just mom in my head) because it hurt too much to do so, but I’m still grateful to have known her.  She was not perfect by any stretch of the word, but I did love her.  She accepted me in ways I never have had an adult accept me.  I tried coming out to my parents, that went terribly.  I have found this really amazing group of queer artists who allow me to fully be Julia Scott, someone you were only briefly introduced to.	Do you remember the Father John Misty concert?  That day stands as a testament to the dysfunction in our relationship in my head.  You had put me in a situation I was uncomfortable with by moving so fast with the open relationship, when you said specifically you would take it slow.  And then you made jokes about it, which devastated me.  I still remember how hurt I was when I said something about how you were moving fast with him and you laughed and said basically he was 6’6 so of course he was gonna be dominant.  I don’t think you have any idea how much you were hurting me.  So yeah, I went nonverbal.  It wasn’t something I had ever really done, not since I was a kid, but I just felt so pushed into a hole I had no choice.  And the thing is, whether you know it or not the way you were treating it made it seem like I was just crazy for what I was doing.  I remember a lot of the time when you were upset you would do the same thing so it just didn’t feel fair.  That night meant so much to me.  I had the tickets for months and it was supposed to usher in an era of romance and love between us.  Instead I had to run out crying and you asked me if I wanted to break up over dinner.  I often wonder what would’ve happened if I didn’t get arrested a mere two days later.	Yeah that was the big thing, I got arrested.  I go back and forth on this all the time.  Was it fucked up for you to do what you did while I was in jail?  Maybe in some ways.  What’s maybe more fucked up is to live with someone for barely a month or two then expect them to ride the whole way for you while you rot in jail.  I'm sorry for the position I put you in.  Its such a unique and complex situation I don’t even want to fully get into it all, so I’ll just say this.  I wish you had made a clean break with me before pursuing things with him more fully.  Instead it sort of felt like you strung me along for a little bit while then going and starting a new life with someone else.  But again, weird ass situation so I understand weird choices being made.  As far as why I actually went to jail.  Let me tell you a few things you might not know.  You remember that person Sky?  The one your friend had a weird thing with?  Yeah well she sold me some amphetamines which I was taking for a bit.  I ran out of my meds and desperately needed something so I didn’t kill myself and you know, once a junkie always a junkie.  They were not strong enough for me and I asked her if she knew anyone with any coke and she introduced me to a guy.  He didn’t sell me coke though, I knew that right away but I didn’t know what it was.  It wasn’t till I got the drug test at the jail that I was informed I tested positive for meth.  Fuckin wild right.  So I had my little bender and I made a lot of the choices you expect someone on meth to make.  I’m not excusing anything I did, I just want to give some of the why.	I’ve decided.  I don’t think you’re an asshole.  That kinda makes writing this whole thing a bit worse cause I’m writing to one of the few good people in my life who I really hurt with my actions.  I think you made some choices that were not great, but that just makes you human.  After everything happened with D, I put you on a huge pedestal because you were the person who showed me how shitty they were to me.  In my head it was like, “Oh, if you pointed out how someone else was treating me badly then you could never do me wrong.”  It doesn’t really make sense but a lot of my thought processes during my active addiction don’t make sense.  You were trying your best, and that’s all that matters.	So, where are we now?  Well, I’m writing this letter cause you’ve been on my mind.  I need to make amends and if that starts a dialogue that’s great but if not at least my conscience will be clear and my debts paid off.  I was just in St Louis for a bit, although admittedly not under the best of circumstances.  I’m finally able to listen to Father John Misty, Mitski, and a couple others without thinking of you, which is so nice.  That sounds rude, I don’t mean that in a rude way.  I would love to show you some of my recent writing, I think you’d be impressed.  There’s a lot more I can say but hopefully I’ll have the chance to say it later.  For now, I’ll just say again I wish you well, stay safe please.
With Love,Julia Scott